


Nothing But Mammals

by cephalopodTriumph



Category: OFF (Game), The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Drunken hookup, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Ridiculous Words For Penis, Rimming, Rough Sex, Shoe Polish Used As Lube, epic sex, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:19:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cephalopodTriumph/pseuds/cephalopodTriumph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Link and Dedan meet at a club.  Tempers clash, but they end up doing the do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing But Mammals

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a colab with my sister and I. I wrote the spectacular(ly terrible) porn and she wrote the excellent plot. This is not to be taken seriously, and we own neither OFF nor Legend Of Zelda. If you want some music to listen to as you read, try this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=xat1GVnl8-k

Dedan sighed and laid his head in his hands. Being a noble was so frustrating. Peasants constantly knocking down your door demanding money and sugar, the king and queen constantly demanding reports... So much pressure. He could really use a chance to blow off some steam. _That does it,_ he decided. _I’m going out tonight._ He waxed his chest, polished his long, sharp teeth, and straightened his coat collar. Hopefully it would be a night to remember. He strode out his door with a fresh spring in his step.

Link shook his pill bottle and sighed in frustration. He only had a few days’ left, at most, and more than a week until his dealer came back from Mexico. _Might as well make it last,_ he thought. _If I get drunk enough tonight, I probably won’t even notice the withdrawal._ Donning his pointed green hat and sword, he trudged out to the nearest club, a filthy hole in the wall with a reputation for unfortunate one-night hookups. Link decided he’d rather than not get laid that particular night. _Hopefully a brunette,_ he thought, musing about his ex-girlfriend, who had dumped him when she learned of his addiction. Lost in thought, he didn’t even notice bumping into a tall, thin man wearing a long coat until he was shoved to the side and a nasty “Watch it!” was hissed in his ear. Link reached out and grabbed the upturned collar of his rather douchey trench coat, in no mood to get pushed around by some asshole wearing clothing that shitty and absurd. However, when he yanked the man around to face him, he was rather surprised. He wasn’t wearing a shirt under the coat, and his perfectly sculpted muscles gleamed in the moonlight. The look was completed by a pair of baggy pants cinched tightly around his waist and black shiny leather boots. But his face was what had stopped Link straight in his tracks. His eyes were glowing bright from the bottom of a pair of dark pits in his face. His teeth protruded from his jaw, long and curved and pearly white. He was gazing at Link with a furious intensity.

“Well?” He snarled. “Nothing to say?” Link was unable to do anything but stare in amazement at his magnificently chiseled features. “Piss off,” growled the man, shoving the blond out of his way. He stormed inside the club, sat down at one of the stools, and ordered a drink. Link gazed after him. He had originally come to the club in the hopes of getting a woman, but he decided that he could totally hit that. “Bitch you gonna be mine.” He muttered under his breath.

Hunched over at the bar with his hands around his fourth drink, Dedan’s night was not quite going as planned. Usually by now the alcohol would have kicked in enough to help him forget his troubles, but this time it wasn’t enough. He needed a bigger distraction. His thoughts wandered to sex. That would probably work pretty well. The question was... who? It wasn’t like he was a virgin. That would be stupid. And lame. He just tended to put people off with his abrasive personality and frequent swearing. His thoughts wandered to the blond man he had shoved away on his way in. No. Not him. That asshole was probably retarded. Just as he thought that, the blond sat down on the stool next to him. He flagged down the bartender.

“I’ll have one of whatever he’s having.” She nodded and walked away to fetch a glass. He then turned to face Dedan. “Hey.”

Dedan regarded him coldly. “What do you want?”

“I’d like to apologize for bumping into you. I wasn’t paying attention, it was my fault.” He held out his hand. “My name’s Link.”

Dedan shook it briskly. “Dedan.” He was about to turn back to his drink when the blond addressed him again. “Come here often?” Dedan almost did one of those cartoon spit takes. Almost. Was this guy actually... hitting on him? What the hell? Was that a line people actually used?

He barked out a laugh. “Wow, you may be even stupider than I thought. Who even says shit like that?”

Link leaned in a little. “You got a better one?”

In that moment, Dedan decided that his common sense could go fuck itself. Just for one night. He grabbed Link by the front of his silly green tunic and yanked him forward so his teeth were almost touching the other man’s ear. “I wish you were my enormous pile of unfinished paperwork so I could do you all night on my desk.” He let go of the other man and leaned back, studying his expression. Link was gazing at him with lust in his bright blue eyes. Dedan’s heart roared in triumph. “Come on, let’s hit the dance floor.” He grabbed Link’s upper arm and yanked him towards a knot of sweaty skinbags he normally would have avoided like the plague. But tonight was special. He tossed the blond in ahead of him and seized him by his perfectly curved hips, grinding against him with maximum force. Link responded by rolling his hips back against Dedan’s in a way that sent his his eyes rolling back in his skull. HOt damn, he was a sex machine. Meanwhile, similar thoughts were running through Link’s head. Feeling Dedan’s rapidly hardening member against his ass, he knew that both of them weren’t going to last much longer. He quickly turned around and murmured “Let’s get out of here.” The other man was more than happy to oblige. They ducked out into the dark streets, staggering towards Dedan’s large home in the wealthier part of the city. Link couldn’t think clearly through his drunken, lusty haze, but he did remember the insistent throb in his pants and Dedan’s hand on his ass.

Dedan wasn’t entirely sure how he managed to unlock the front door and get up the stairs to his bedroom. He didn’t even bother to turn on the lights as he guided Link into his room. Link felt something soft pressing against the backs of his knees and fell back onto Dedan’s bed. The other man climbed on top of him and held his arms down as he nibbled at the soft skin on Link’s throat.

“Clothes. Off. Now.” He growled, overcome with his desire to see the blond writhing underneath him. Faced with Dedan’s commanding tone, he could only obey.

Dedan watched Link as he shimmied out of his leather pants and dropped them onto his shirt and hat, which were already laying on the floor.  He was half hard in his underwear, and his cock twitched at the sight of Link’s tight booty.  Underneath his leather pants Link was wearing a silk thong, and as he began to lower it Dedan raised his hand to stop him. “Leave it on,” he commanded.  Link blushed but did as he was told.  “Go lie on the bed and put your hands over your head.  Don’t move until I say you can.”  Link lay back, rolling around a bit to get comfortable on Dedan’s sheets. Dedan checked to make sure Link was following his orders, and then he began to undress.  He slowly slid his heavy coat off of his shoulders, smirking as Link sighed.  He folded it neatly over a chair and continued, bending over to unlace his boots.  He took his, time, making the impromptu strip tease last as long as possible.  Link groaned impatiently from the bed.

“Hurry up,” whined Link.  “I want you in me now.”  Dedan’s cock stiffened further at the words, and he let out a growl as he tossed his boxers over his shoulder and pounced on Link.  Link gasped as he felt Dedan’s dick brush his own silk wrapped erection. Dedan grinned, before opening his mouth to speak.

“How flexible are you?” he asked.

“Uhhh, I’m pretty flexible,” said Link.  “I take yoga on the weekends.”  
“Good,” said Dedan as he grasped Link by the thighs and lifted his legs up over Dedan’s shoulders.  “You’ll like this.”  He turned his face down to Link’s throbbing dingdong and licked a stripe up it’s straining length.  Link moaned, and a wet spot formed on the thong where he was leaking precome.  Dedan smirked and then used his teeth to carefully snag the thong and pull it down, letting Link’s wiener bob free.  It smacked Link in the stomach and smeared more precome on his manly abs.  Still trapped in the thong, Link’s balls were already tight against his body. Dedan delicately curled his long tongue around them, his hot breath moist and sexy through the flimsy fabric.  He popped them out of the thong, and took them into his mouth.  Link’s eyelashes fluttered in ecstasy as Dedan got them all sopping wet in filthy sex slobber. Dedan then released Link’s mansack and turned his attention back to his swollen spam porpoise. He opened his mouth wide and took it all in, deepthroating Link like he didn’t need to breathe.  Link screamed in pleasure and came violently, spurts of hot semen gushing out of his dick down Dedan’s throat.  Dedan took it like a pro, swallowing everything Link had to give.  He pulled off gently, Link’s limp man tube slipping out of his mouth with a loud slurp.  Link lay gasping, his legs still over Dedan’s shoulders as he tried to catch his breath.  “That… was…” he murmured.

Dedan grinned with all his teeth.  “Mindblowing? The best blowjob you’ve ever had? I know.”  Link batted feebly at him with one hand, too overcome to do anything more.  “We’re not done yet,” said Dedan.  “I still have to get off.  And if I have my way, you’ll come until you can’t possibly come any more.”  Link’s eyes widened at the sexy threat, but before he could protest Dedan ripped the thong off the rest of the way.  It fluttered to the floor in shreds like sakura blossoms on the first day of anime school.  Dedan immediately plunged his face back into Link’s crotch, his snake like tongue slipping into Link’s ass crack.  

“Oh,” said Link, shocked.  “D-Dedan!  What-?”  Dedan let out a low chuckle and Link shivered at the feel of his breath down there, in a place no one but himself had ever touched.  Dedan’s clever tongue wormed it’s way into Link’s tight pucker, slowly opening him up as Link started to harden once more.  

“Lube,” said Dedan.  “We need lube if we’re going to go any further.  And we are.”  He looked at Link.  “I don’t think I have any lube here.”

“Do you have anything slippery? Or anything liquid? You could use olive oil,” suggested Link.  

“I’d have to leave the bed to get the olive oil,” said Dedan.  “I think I know what we can use.”  He reached behind his pillow and pulled out a small tub.  

“What’s that?” asked Link.

“Shoe polish.”  
Before Link could protest, Dedan unscrewed the lid of the tub and scooped out a large glob with two fingers.  He set the jar down on the bed and plunged his fingers into Link’s secret flower of love.  Link was overwhelmed at the strange sensations, and when Dedan pressed his fingers to that special spot inside of him, Link let out a howl of sexcstasy and came so hard some of his man milk landed on his face.

“A-Ahhhh Dedan!” he cried.

Once Dedan deemed Link sufficiently prepared to receive his veiny beef truncheon he flipped Link over.  Link was on his hands and knees with his ass in the air, Dedan holding on to his hips.  Dedan lined up the tip of his weeping mushroom of a cock head and stabbed himself deep into Link’s cave of hidden glory, his way slicked by the gooey black shoe polish.  As he pulled out for his next thrust, he saw that his gargantuan rectal ravager was stained black with the makeshift lube.  It turned him on even more, and he began to pound Link through the mattress with a savage rhythm reminiscent of the best of Pink Floyd. He fucked Link back into full arousal for the third time that night, both of them grunting and moaning in extreme sexual gratification.  

“D-Dedan, I’m so… I’m so close!” screamed Link, his hands clenching in the sheets.  Dedan growled and reached around to jack him off as he penetrated him faster and faster.

“Together,” said Dedan.  “We’ll come together…” And with that he leaned down and sank his teeth deep into the meaty flesh of Link’s shoulder.  Link howled in pain and arousal, and came all over the bed.  His tight channel milked Dedan into completion, and their cries rang through the bedroom like the chorus of majestic wild animals at the beginning of The Lion King.

Dedan slowly pulled out, his cock now flaccid and sticky with a creamy grey mixture of creme d’homme and shoe polish.  He flopped down on the bed next to Link, and wrapped his arm around him, pulling him in close to his chest.  Link let out a sigh of post coital pleasure, snuggling deeper into Dedan’s sweaty embrace.  They fell asleep like that, dead to everything in the world except each other.


End file.
